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“God’s grace gives permission to feel all the feelings, even if the world around you wants to tidy this all up pleasantly” (“Reproductive Loss: Seeking Peace in Faith Practices”).
Many people feel God’s presence at Holden Village in the beauty of nature, during worship services or while breaking bread with old and new friends. But Heather Dean had a slightly different experience at the Lutheran retreat center in Washington’s North Cascades Mountains. She encountered the Spirit in line at the Holden Bookstore.
“Someone behind me was purchasing a book [about] a Lutheran perspective on genetics written by one of my colleagues,” said Dean, ELCA program manager for theological discernment, serving in gender justice and women’s empowerment. “I felt like I had to ask, ‘Why that book?’ so I could let the author know that his work was being read!”
Unfortunately, the reason wasn’t a happy one. “It turned out she was buying the book because she had experienced a miscarriage related to a genetic issue, so she wanted to learn more about what the church was teaching on genetics,” Dean said. “I felt so bad for asking about it, but it turned into an important conversation.”
Over the course of that week at Holden, the two connected over how the church did not have resources for people going through this kind of grief. “I felt like, as someone whose job it is to support women in the church, I was uniquely positioned to help fill this gap,” Dean said. “It felt like God put us in that line together to serve this need in ways my mother and grandmothers weren’t served during their own losses.”
After returning home, Dean researched the resources needed to support people experiencing reproductive loss, which includes miscarriages, stillbirths, infant loss, infertility and more. “We live in a society in which these losses are too often swept under the rug or people rush for a silver lining, [saying things such as] ‘Everything happens for a reason’ or ‘God needed another angel,’” she said. “As ELCA Lutherans, we understand that God is present in our suffering and doesn’t wish suffering for us. That witness is needed today.”
A particular loss
ELCA Gender Justice and Women’s Empowerment partnered with Catherine Malotky, a retired ELCA pastor, to create a resource that would accompany people in their grief without offering cheap, easy platitudes.
Malotky was motivated to write the resource because of her experience with reproductive loss. The guide is dedicated to her three daughters, Erin, Cara and Abbie. Malotky’s eldest daughter died suddenly at 8 weeks old, and her middle daughter has experienced reproductive loss as an adult.
“They made me a parent, and they invited me to explore myself so I might help them do the same for themselves,” Malotky said. “Our third daughter was born to parents who know that death can come at any time. We feel grateful beyond words for all of them and privileged to be on the journey with them.”
The resulting resource, “Reproductive Loss: Seeking Peace in Faith Practices,” is now available as a free download. The booklet invites people to journal through their grief, whether related to a loss experienced this year or from decades ago. The four sessions guide readers to tell their story, wrestle with the question of why this happened, choose a token to remember their loss by and begin to think about who they are becoming now. Sessions can be done alone, with loved ones or with a faith leader.
Journaling questions include:
- “Where do you feel the loss most acutely? What does it feel like?”
- “How has ‘why?’ shown up for you? What emotions seem to accompany ‘why?’ moments?”
- “How have you seen God at work? How has God seemed absent?”
- “What is true about you now that might not have been before? How are you the same?”
The resource is available in two formats, a printable PDF and a fillable online version.
Now that “Reproductive Loss” is available, Dean hopes the Spirit will continue the work of getting the resource out into the world. “When we write these things, we don’t know how they get used,” she said. “But I do believe that God planted the seeds of this work and that now God will work through more people to get it into the hands of those who need it.”
Find additional ELCA Gender Justice and Women’s Empowerment’s resources at elca.org/genderjustice.
